When is Enough.... ENOUGH!?

Enough is never enough... for me

Hi , My name is Phoenix Fortay and I'm a chronic 'Self hater'. I've been struggling with my addiction since the first time I watched 'keeping up with the Kardashians', I remember that day very clearly ...

I was 13 years old , sitting on the edge of my bed with my feet dangling over the side. My room was very modern and well decorated with 'DIY' crafts because it was unnecessary to buy something new when I could simply create it. Anyway .... I was sitting there, Looking at Kim Kardashian astounding ass thinking to my self "why don't I look like that??? This is where it all started.

P.S I am not blaming anyone but my self for my 'Self hatred' .... Kim your ass is fantastic , be proud.

It all started that beautiful day, My world was no longer mine to enjoy. I'm not exactly sure what changed that day, but that simple moment in my life has changed my path for the last 10 years.

I was a large-ish child , Seeing Kim Kardashians amazing figure lead me to want to change mine. I started working out secretly in my bedroom. Thankfully this decision did lead to better health, But unfortunately it didn't stop there. I had become obsessed. Watching Victoria secret models "What I eat in a day " videos on Vouge's YouTube channel while eating a sad bowl of spinach once a day. If you couldn't guess by now that simple decision lead to a very horrible and uncomfortable eating disorder. The worst part about this little story is that I loved my body at the time... I didn't want to change. But I needed to succussed. I needed to do the best I could.

Thankfully over the last 10 years I have learnt to redirect that ambition for 'success' into healthier activities ... BUISSNESS BABY! Oh yeah my new addiction is making $Money$

Here's the little story for you...

I was fresh 18 years old in the back of my bright red Mitsubishi wagon, with my little dog Charlie. this was my rock bottom. I was homeless , didn't have any friends left , I didn't have a job besides selling pictures of my ass on OnlyFans , and occasionally selling handcrafted candles at the local farmers market. I didn't know what to do... Until it hit me " If I am at rock-bottom the only place from here is up!"

The beautiful thing about being at rock bottom is that you have no commitments, no ties , you are free to begin a new journey. I moved up to Hawkes Bay to peruse my career in modelling and become well known within the sex worker industry in New Zealand. I worked as a part time cleaner , weekends at the strip club and did modelling on the side... I was successful. In the eyes of many this is not success, But This line of work gave me everything I wanted / needed. I had a happy and healthy relationship , Two dogs , a loving family , money of my own , a nice car and I had a group of friends. That was all I needed until I discovered finances. This discovery lead to me putting everything I had into my very own cleaning business. I learned beautiful new skills , Finance , management , investing and stocks. Soon enough I was waking up at 5am every morning , study for 4 hours , work out , go to work for my business , go home , study more and then work on the admin for my business. If im completely honest I was very happy doing this , I felt like I had a purpose , I felt successful. But once again I put my expectations too high and now history repeats it self ... once again I am struggling with the same addiction, the need to be successful. I no longer have friends , I am no longer in a happy and healthy relationship , My dogs are depressed, I am depressed and unmotivated, All day I worry about my future because I am obsessed with the idea that I will be retired by the age of 35. So here I am ... fresh 21 with multiple business , a house , a nice car and a great financial structure , so why isn't it enough?

why isn't it enough? The answer is simple ; It will never be enough until I say so. even though I am 'living the dream' , I continue to make myself feel unsuccessful and refuse to acknowledge my achievements.

If I'm completely honest I'm not to sure how I can fix this before its too late. But I have a feeling that I need to go back to the basics. Get up early , exercise , study , work and then enjoy my afternoons / nights with friends , family or just simply have a little me time. I'm unsatisfied with my life because i am not living it , which is the whole reason I started business .... so I could be free to live the life that was made for me.

So what I don't have heaps of followers?! So what I'm broke?! So what I'm not famous?! So what I'm not as successful as others ?!

I am Phoenix Fortay and I'm am a recovering perfectionist.

You are enough, I am enough.